Silas’ Songs

13 Apr

Silas…my current youngest baby. Oh the emotions this boy wells up in my heart.

Allow me to start out by firmly stating that Silas was not a planned baby.  Quite the opposite, actually. Hayden wasn’t even a year and a half old, he had finally started to sleep through the night and in his own bed, and we were just starting to get the hang of dealing with his demanding personality. Another baby was the last thing on our minds. As a matter of fact we were using two forms of birth control to avoid expanding our family just then.

Someone else had other plans. Someone who knew better than we what we really need.

The positive pregnancy test couldn’t have been a bigger shock. When I took tests with my two previous boys, I had a gut feeling that the two lines would show up. This time I was taking a test because I’d already made an appointment with my doctor and wanted to be able to tell her that I’d already ruled out pregnancy. The two lines were like a slap in the face.

I went into the kitchen, practically threw the test at Johnny and collapsed in a heap on the kitchen floor, sobbing. I was so not ready for this. I didn’t know how I could handle another baby right at this point. What did my loving, wonderful, angelic husband do?

He cheered.

I kid you not, the man was excited. I wanted to murder him. My pregnancy with Hayden flashed before my eyes. The sickness. The depression. The countless psychiatrist appointments. The medication that barely let me function. Having to let my firstborn live with my mother because I couldn’t care for him due to the overwhelming depression. What if that all happened again?

It didn’t. I was amazingly healthy during the entire pregnancy and felt like a million bucks. I glowed. I was hoping that perhaps fate would be kind since this baby was completely unplanned and that it would be the little girl I hoped for. On the first of August we drove to St. John’s for an ultrasound (just like we will be doing tomorrow) to find out the sex. I eagerly watched the screen for a glimpse of what I was sure was my little princess.

Then I spotted something extra. Something that he then used to show us how accomplished he was at learning to pee in the womb. I was so disappointed I cried. I got over it quickly. I mean, a baby is a baby and there was nothing I could do to change the fact that I was having a little prince instead of a little princess, but that first day was rough. I hadn’t wanted to get pregnant, yet I was. I wanted a girl, yet it was a boy. Could I get anything I wanted out of this?

From the moment they put that wailing, gooey little newborn on my chest I knew that Silas was different. He wasn’t like his brothers. From the beginning he was a ray of sunshine. A light in dark places. A spot of joy in sadness. He was contented, slept well, and was overall an incredible infant. I sang this song to him every night, reminding him that he was “the promise I knew God would keep” and “the gift that made my world complete”.

Then he grew…and that sweet personality grew with him. He was well-behaved, cuddly, loving, and the most precious little angel to ever walk the Earth. I still can’t believe my good fortune whenever I look at him. Why did I ever want a girl? No girl could ever be to me what my Silas is. When my day is overwhelming…when I think I can’t take a single minute more, his sweet voice saying “I love you Mommy” just makes everything better.

My sweet baby boy. Don’t ever change. You’re perfect just the way you are.

So now that he’s older the song he loves for me to sing at night is this:

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4 Responses to “Silas’ Songs”

  1. Simply Me April 13, 2010 at 10:34 pm #

    Oh how adorable 🙂
    I cant tell you how much you make want kids ..im sure Silas is a sweetheart ..
    infact m pretty stoked about your visit on 16th ..i hope for you its a girl though i know a boy is more than welcome too !!

  2. Nadja April 14, 2010 at 5:19 pm #

    What a touching post. I got goose bumps while reading it. You actually made me want to have another kid. I used to think I wanted more than one but the rough pregnancy and the depression after my daughter got me scared enough to say I’m stopping at one. I may have to think about that again.

  3. purplume April 15, 2010 at 4:47 am #

    This is a very touching post. Thank you for sharing. Best luck with your pregnancy.

  4. Jenna @ Newlyweds April 17, 2010 at 4:33 pm #

    What a wonderful post, I could so relate with lots of your thoughts and emotions but isn’t it amazing how such a precious little boys can change it all. Wonderful songs you sing btw.

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